goodbye
by fssquiggles
Summary: Lily Evans is too scared to tell James Potter how she feels until it's too late. Because he's leaving, heading to Switzerland, for auror training. And she's leaving, heading to America, for a journalism internship. "Promise me this isn't goodbye." But Voldemort has taken over everything and she can't get back home. They end up running in circles, never in reach of each other.


**title:** goodbye  
**notes:** title from f(x) ft. D.O's "Goodbye Summer" (which inspired me) and also inspired by "Blood on The Leaves" by Kanye West. omg so this was supposed to be some sappy graduation fic but then it became a sort of au that's really really angsty and i'm so sorry.  
*****warning:** mentions of torture, mentions of non-consensual situations, basically brief mentions of a lot of really terrible things, also an excessive use of the word "fuck" woops

* * *

Lily sighs and pulls at her graduation robes. They were much, _much_ bigger then she expected. She hears James chuckle from behind her and she turns to glare at him. "It's not funny. This makes me look _huge_."

He looks at her seriously, right then, and nods, vigorously, "You're right, Lily. You do kinda resemble a very big, very red whale, actually."

"A whale on fire." Sirius inserts from where he's sprawled on the floor, next to Peter and Remus, his cap practically falling off his head.

Lily glares, "Piss off."

James rolls his eyes, "Don't worry, it's cute."

"Yeah! You're a very cute red whale, Lily!" Peter tells her, encouragingly.

Before Lily can snap at him, the professors shout at them to get back into alphabetical order. James smiles at her, before walking off to join the other 'P' names, and her heart flutters a little. She frowns. Her timing is terrible, really. James was her mate, maybe even one of her _best mates_ (if anyone had told her this just a year ago she would have laughed in their fac). It scares her a bit, though, because somewhere between Head Prefect meetings and studying and secret passageway exploring and late night excursions to the kitchens and sneaking into Hogsmeade, Lily had fallen in love with him.

It was a gradual thing, something she didn't even notice until, one day, she found herself hanging on his every word, feeling it in her very bones whenever he even casually touched her. It scared her. It still scares her. But she didn't say a single word because she didn't want to ruin what they have.

And now, even if she _did_ want to tell him, she can't. Because he's leaving, heading to Switzerland, for auror training. And she's leaving, heading to America, for a journalism internship.

She can't stop thinking about this, how they're all going their separate ways, until the speeches are over, until they're throwing their caps into the air and the cameras are flashing so bright, until she's crying.

"I thought we promised we wouldn't cry!" Alice's voice is right next to her.

"I'm sorry," Lily hiccups, trying her best to _stop_. Alice just laughs, airy and sad, and hugs Lily tightly.

"Shit, Evans. Are you _crying_? See, Wormtail, I told you she would cry first. I win, pay up," Sirius says, loudly.

Lily glares through her tears, "You bet I would cry first?"

Sirius shrugs, "It was between you and Wormtail here."

James leans towards her, and whispers, conspiratorially "If it makes you feel any better, it was actually between Sirius and you. And Sirius definitely teared up back there, so technically he was first."

Lily laughs, she can't help it. Remus interrupts them with a wide grin, "Let's get out of here and celebrate, yeah?"

* * *

Lily is quite sure Remus didn't have throwing a party and getting piss drunk at James's house as one of his top ideas of celebrating graduation but shit happens. And one of the best (and worst) things about Remus is that he just lets things happen, lets them play out the way they want.

"What are you laughing at?" She glances over at James, who was now sitting next to her handing her a drink. She smiles, nonchalantly, even when he scoots a little closer. He's so close that she wonders if he can hear her heart thumping against her chest. It sounds like thunder to her.

"I'm laughing at Remus," She answers, taking a large gulp of firewhiskey and wincing as it settles.

They settle into comfortable silence, and usually she's not a contemplative drunk, but the atmosphere humbles her. She feels almost...sad.

"I can't believe we're done with Hogwarts." Lily says, finally.

He takes a sip of firewhiskey, "Yeah, it doesn't seem real." They sit in silence again, and Lily watches as Sirius whispers into Priya Patel's ear. "I'm leaving tomorrow, you know." She looks up at him, trying her hardest to keep a straight face, and he gives her a sheepish smile, "My parents are probably going to send me a howler about this."

Lily laughs and takes a big gulp of firewhiskey, wishing the hollow feeling in her stomach would go away. "No, I didn't know."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you."

She shrugs, doesn't look at him, "It's no big deal. I'm leaving next week, anyway." Then, she sighs, "Can I ask you something?"

"It's not like I can say no."

She hits his arm, lightly, "Let's make a promise?"

"With everyone?" He asks, raising a brow and slowly getting up.

She grabs his arm and pulls him back down. She giggles, hazily, "No. Just between you and me."

"Lily—"

"Promise me you'll keep in touch. Promise me this isn't goodbye."

He rolls his eyes, "You're a very sappy drunk, Evans."

"_Potter_."

"Okay, fine, yeah, I promise."

She smiles and pats his face lightly, "Thanks."

He runs a hand through his hair and snickers.

Her heart won't stop racing.

* * *

She isn't allowed to go back home. Not when Petunia marries (not that Lily was even wanted there), not for her father's funeral, not for Alice and Frank's wedding, not when she's called to join Dumbledore's Army.

Voldemort's taken over _everything_ and all she can do is write editorial after editorial trying to convince the States to at least _help_. They won't though. Not when they have their own Death Eaters to deal with.

It's been over a year since she had received a letter from home (from Alice, to be exact). James had stopped contacting her almost two years ago, Sirius, Peter, and Remus a year and a half ago.

She hates this. She hates not knowing a single thing. She hates not being able to help.

* * *

It's midday when her fireplace begins to ring. She falls out of her chair in shock when Dumbledore's head appears, beard whiter than she remembers.

"Hello, Lily. I hope I did not disturb you."

She shakes her head, "You didn't, Headmaster."

"Please, call me Albus."

"Uh, Albus. Why are you here, exactly?"

Dumbledore smiles, eyes twinkling, "I need your help, Lily."

* * *

She sneaks into Azkaban.

It's actually a lot easier then she would have originally thought and she wonders why no one else has ever tried this before. But then again, most people weren't unregistered Animagi.

* * *

She sees him. He sees her.

But only for a split second.

Sirius is already pulling him into the ocean, gillyweed activating almost immediately.

Someone's calling for her to run, but she doesn't make it. She won't make it. She knows this because of the sudden heaviness all around her, and suddenly she is bound by a steel grip and her mind is as dark as the night sky.

* * *

Weeks. It's been weeks.

She doesn't know exactly how many days, time passes by almost imperceptibly. She's blacked out so many times, she's lost count.

It's always the same thing. Interrogation, fists, blood, crucio, _touching_, dementors, basically anything to make her talk. She's stubborn, yeah, but stubbornness can only get one so far. She frowns into the darkness and tries to hold onto something _happy_ because once those are all gone she doesn't think she'll be able to survive (she doesn't think she'll be able to remain _sane_).

(It's almost embarrassing how hard she clings to even the faintest wisp of a happy memory.)

* * *

"How the _fuck_ did a little bitch like you manage to help an entire wing of prisoners escape?"

Lily shrugs and doesn't even flinch when the man slams his fist into her jaw.

This has literally gotten to the point of tedious, if she's being honest. She feels a bit hollow, and angering her interrogator (although not the _best_idea_)_amuses 's pretty sure the man's job (life?) is teetering on whether he can get her to talk. This amuses her even more.

"We're going to try this _one more time_. If you don't answer, I'll let the blokes outside have their way with you until you do. They told me they had quite a bit of fun last time_._" He says through gritted teeth. Fear bubbles in her chest and she flinches at the memories she tries her hardest to repress. He smirks, as if sensing her fear. She wants to punch him. He grabs her by the jaw, roughly, and murmurs, "Now, tell me. _Who are you working for?_"

She opens her mouth to answer, a little amused at the pure anticipation in his eyes, when the steel door slams open with a loud _crash_. A swirl of dust clouds her vision, making her eyes water and her throat itch. She feels warm hands fumbling against hers. She screams when a face appears barely an inch from hers and it takes her exactly ten seconds to realize that it's _Sirius_. He's gives her one of the biggest shit eating grins she has ever seen. She glares.

When her hands are finally free from their restraints, she shoves him. "About fucking time, Black." She hisses, coughing.

He rolls his eyes, "Security's been kind of tight because of you. It was really fucking hard trying to get in here undetected. We've been trying to find you for months." She can't look at him and he sighs, grabbing her arm lightly. "Hey," he says, gently, "Are you okay?"

It's probably the stupidest question that's ever left his mouth, but it's sincere. She wants to say that she is, because she's _alive_ (during a time when so many people _aren't_ so who is she to complain?) and she doesn't want him to worry (they've probably worried about her _so much_), but the way Sirius is rubbing light circles into her wrists reminds her of James and it _hurts_. She feels hollow. She shakes her head.

Sirius touches her cheek and says, "You're allowed to not be okay, you know." Lily can't help but look up, catching his eyes. Sirius smiles at her, and it's not a smirk like it usually is, it's sweet and hesitant. Then, it's gone. "I brought the Invisibility Cloak."

She nods, pushing back her feelings, and steps underneath the cloak.

They run and run and run until they're finally able to apparate away.

Lily lets out the a deep breath she didn't know she was holding.

* * *

She can't breathe.

She can't fucking _breathe_.

"What the fuck do you mean he's _joined Voldemort_?!" She screams, her voice cracking. Peter flinches, Sirius and Remus frown, and Dumbledore just watches her, eerily calm (which, frankly, pisses her off even more).

"James is doing what he thinks is right, Lily." Dumbledore tells her, quietly. "We didn't know where you were and he was told the only way to get you back was by joining Voldemort. Voldemort kept his word, surprisingly enough."

Lily throws her hands up in frustration. The idiot. The _fucking idiot_. She was going to kill him, fucking _destroy him_. How dare he endanger himself for the slim chance that she'd survive? _How_ _dare he?_"How are we supposed to get him back?" She asks, angrily, desperately.

And then Dumbledore eyes her sadly, "We can't. James is currently located at their headquarters. We do not have the forces to get him out of there without heavy casualties, especially not with our numbers already dwindling the way it is."

Sirius turns his head, sharply, "Wait _what_? We're just going to _leave_ him there?"

Dumbledore sighs, "We have no other choice." For a second, Lily hates Dumbledore, hates the way his twinkling blue eyes watch her sadly, hates the way he's talking to her like he understands, hates his love for _the greater good_, despite everything. Maybe she's being selfish, but she doesn't _care_. She doesn't fucking care.

Lily shakes her head, furiously, "Let m-_us_, go. _Please_."

"I don't think James would be too happy with me if I gave you that kind of permission, Lily." Dumbledore says, but Lily doesn't miss the slight twinkle in his eyes like he's thinking something entirely different.

"Well, James isn't here so I believe he doesn't really deserve a say." Remus' quiet voice interrupts. Sirius smirks, slowly. Peter just stares at Remus, blankly.

Dumbledore's eyes are definitely twinkling now. Lily kind of wants to punch him and hug him, simultaneously. "I hate to play the devil' s advocate but my question for you four is this: Do you think this is worth it? You may not come back alive. You may be captured yourself." Dumbledore looks at Lily, inquisitively. "Lily, you know more than any of us what it is like." He eyes each them, stoically, "Do you think this is worth it?"

Lily decides the thing she hates most about Albus Dumbledore is his fucking mind games. She can feel their eyes on her. It's strange how the final decision has fallen on her shoulders, but it makes sense, in a way. She knows what's at stake, more than the others. She may be stubborn but she's not stupid, she knows what this could mean, so she takes a moment to think about it. And she finds that she doesn't care. "I know that if they're doing to him what they did to me then we need to bring him back as quickly as we can." She says carefully.

Dumbledore nods, solemnly, and she knows she made the right decision.

* * *

Lily is Voldemort's prisoner again, however this time they know who she is. This time it'll be worse.

She figures she can't complain, though, because this was her idea to begin with. As soon as she said it, Sirius looked like he wanted to hex her on the spot and Remus glared at her. But it was the only plan that would work. So here she was, being shoved through the halls of Death Eater Headquarters, with Peter scurrying alongside her in rat form, and Sirius and Remus following her under the invisibility cloak.

She enters a huge room with a ceiling that seems to go up into the heavens. There's barely enough light, but Lily is able to count out that there are exactly seventeen people in this room. Seventeen versus five doesn't sound too bad, she thinks. A familiar voice interrupts her strategizing, "What the hell are you _doing_ here, Lily?"

James is standing there, among the other Death Eaters, looking completely unharmed. He's even wearing a cloak like the rest of them. Her heart beats, erratically, and her stomach flips.

"Hello to you too." She says, because she doesn't know what else to say, really. He just glares, and she notices how his jaw tenses, how his hair is longer, how he still looks as lanky and thin as before, but the softness is gone, replaced by hard, sharp lines. His eyes are harder.

"I did not allow you to speak, did I, Potter?" A cold voice interrupts, echoing, sending shivers up Lily's spine. Voldemort walks up next to James, fixing his eyes on Lily. She refuses to look away, refuses to show weakness. Voldemort laughs. It's as cold as ice. Then Voldemort turns his gaze on James, "I asked you a question, Potter."

James's nose wrinkles and his eyebrows knit together for the longest time. He looks as if he's in _pain_. The other Death Eaters snicker as James seems to be fighting with himself, until finally he says, slowly, "Forgive…me."

A pale, white hand strikes out and clutches James jaw, "'Forgive me', _what_?"

James's response is quicker this time, "Forgive me, My Lord."

Lily flinches as everyone around her laughs. Voldemort turns to her and sounds mockingly apologetic, "Yes, forgive him. He has been quite tedious to train. This one is quite stubborn."

Lily wants to kill him. Voldemort laughs, again, high and cold, "And you seem quite murderous, my dear. You'd make a interesting asset to my circle. Of course…isn't that why you're here?"

Lily notices James tense, furiously. She ignores him. "I'm not here because I want to join you. I'm here because I want you to let James go and take me in his place."

Voldemort walks up to her and it takes all her willpower to keep from backing away or showing fear of any kind. Voldemort leans forward until they are at eyelevel, "Tell me," he reaches out and touches her face. His fingers are so cold and she's really fucking terrified, but she forces herself to calm down. He smiles, menacingly, "What can a mere _mudblood_ like you offer me?"

She smirks (because the one thing she picked from hanging around the Marauders was how to look cool and collected in dire situations) and replies, "I can absolutely guarantee you that I'm better at dueling then the majority of your Death Eaters." James is watching her with his mouth pressed into a permanent scowl while the Death Eaters murmur angrily. Lily swears she hears a familiar snort as well.

Voldemort looks almost contemplative, right then, and says, "Funny. Did you know your boyfriend said almost the exact same thing when he arrived here?" He doesn't wait for her to answer, instead he continues, "Potter, come here." And James listens. Lily looks away, she can't help it. "Malfoy, Karkaroff, bind the others." Lily blinks in confusion.

There's a blast and the air around her seems to be shivering, her vision leaves her for exactly five seconds and pain shoots up her side, intense and burning. She hears swearing and she sees blood and she can't believe that Voldemort _knew_ the boys were there. _Fuck_. They were so fucking screwed.

"Let's see who the better dueler is, shall we?" Voldemort's voice echoes in her head, ringing and ringing and ringing, and she wants him _out_. He laughs and she shivers. It feels like he's right next to her, laughing into her ear and breathing down her neck. She hates it so much. "Potter. Kill her."

James looks at her helplessly.

She doesn't know what to do.

* * *

Lily's soaking in sweat when she stumbles behind a pillar and tries to catch her breath. She's better than James at dueling, technically speaking, she quickly realizes, but he's got better stamina. It doesn't help that she had been tortured for Merlin knows how long before she got here. Sirius is unconscious and bleeding so, _so_ much, Remus's _body_ looks broken, twisted at an odd angle, Peter is nowhere in sight, and James is advancing on her, quickly.

"Evans." James's voice doesn't sound like him and she knows Voldemort is now controlling his words. "_Evans!_" He calls to her sweetly, with a hint of mocking, and she wants to cry. The Death Eaters jeer at her. "Why are you hiding from me? Didn't you miss me?"

She glares before shooting a curse at him. She's rewarded by a loud groan of pain. A beam of green light shoots by her and she frowns. It's not fair. He's aiming to kill, she's not. She doesn't know what to do.

"_Sectumsempra_." She sees it make impact before she hears it. Pain shoots up her leg all at once and she's not prepared for the agony at all. It _hurts_, tears prick her eyelids, it hurts _so much_. She tries to stop the bleeding (she can't bleed out) but it won't stop. He aims his wand directly at her and says, with a smirk, "Don't worry. I won't kill you just yet. I want to make this _fun_." And then he's pulling her up until she's forced to stand on her throbbing leg. He leans forward and Lily fixes her gaze on his blank eyes and tries to remind herself that he's being _controlled_. This isn't James.

"I missed you so much," He breathes. She trembles when the grip on her shoulders tightens, and then he kisses her. She's painfully aware of the fact that this isn't James, that the Death Eaters are watching all of this, that _Voldemort_ is making this happen. She barely has time to react before he says something against her lips and the pain becomes _excruciating_. It's like someone has actually just dropped her in the pits of hell itself. She hears screaming and belatedly realizes that it's _her_. It's _her_ screaming for it to stop.

She opens her eyes and she's on the floor. Her wand is a whole meter away from her. Her head is throbbing and she can see that Sirius and Remus are both awake. They're both staring in her direction with various degrees of fury on their faces. The Death Eaters are snickering. Voldemort is watching, his snake eyes shining with amusement. Someone pats her cheek. She looks up to find James squatting beside her, smirking. "I'm not done yet, love, don't pass out on me just yet."

She thinks she should give up, but he's not fighting it. He's under the Imperious Curse and she knows for a _fact_ that you can break free from it. You just have to try and he's not trying. He stopped trying and she doesn't know why but it pisses her off. She sits up, ignoring the shooting pain, and grabs his face with both hands. He blinks in surprise.

"You're a fucking _prick_." Lily tells him, angrily. Her voice sounds hoarse. She's mad. She's _so fucking angry_. "You're a fucking prick, James Potter, because you're not trying. Get your head out of your arse and _try to break the curse_." She's shouting at him and she doesn't really mean to but she's angry and she's _tired_. She's been through too much to lose him like this. She watches as his face contorts in pain.

"L—Shut the fuck up." He says, grabbing her by the hair and trying to pull her away.

Lily keeps talking because she's stubborn and probably a little bit stupid. She doesn't care. "Do you know what I've been through to see you again? For Merlin's sake, you _promised_ we'd keep in contact. But then you stopped sending letters. I'll admit, I was disappointed. It's been two fucking years since I last heard from you and you're trying to _kill_ _me_." She hears a choked sort of laughter and that's encouragement enough for her to keep going, "I broke into _Azkaban_ for you, you git. You're one of my best mates and, Godric, if someone told me I'd be best mates with James Potter in fifth year I would have laughed in their face. I know you, James. I _know_ you have enough willpower in you to break that curse, okay; I still remember how you asked me to Hogsmeade at least once a week half of fifth year. I need you to come back, James. _Please_, come back. I…I shouldn't have let you go, you know, way back then, after graduation. Merlin, I felt like a total git, that day. I should have said. I mean. I should have told you how I really felt that day. Because maybe none of this would have happened; maybe we wouldn't even be in this goddamned situation right now…Maybe we could be living in a little cottage somewhere... Shit. I just. James. Come back. Okay. _Please._ Promise me this isn't goodbye." She's crying and Death Eaters be damned because she can't let this happen. They have so many things left to do, so many milestones to reach.

He's fighting it, she can feel it in the way his finger wrap around her hair and then loosen. She can see it in the way his face twists. And then he stops and she sees the way his expression glazes over and her heart practically drops to her stomach. He leans forward, hands holding her head tightly. She can feel his breath tickling her ear and she thinks she's going to be sick.

"You're a very sappy drunk, Evans."

Her eyes widen and she grins. James spins on his heels and immediately throws a curse over his shoulder. There's shouting and when she tries to run her head spins. "It's the Cruciatus Curse." Someone says. She catches a flurry of robes, a hooked nose, and a swish of greasy, dark hair before the path is clear. She doesn't make it to the door before the world turns black.

* * *

"Stop looking at it." Lily tells him, as she flips through the same copy of Witch Weekly for probably the sixteenth time.

He ignores her and touches her neck, lightly. She winces as his fingers brush over the bruises she'd gotten from the months she spent imprisoned. They still hadn't disappeared. She wishes they would just disappear. He quickly drops his hand and turns his attention to the cast on his arm. They couldn't go to St. Mungos, so they had gone to the local muggle hospital and now they had to heal the 'muggle way'. She feels terrible for Remus, who had broken more bones then Lily could probably name. Lily doesn't know how they had gotten out, exactly, and James mentioned that one of the Death Eaters had 'owed him'. She doesn't really care because they've escaped with their lives and that's all that matters.

"James, you can't do anything about it anymore, so stop moping."

He ruffles his hair before glancing up at her, "I'm not _moping_. I'm angry."

"Then stop being angry."

There's a long pause before he finally says, "I can't. I lost you for three years, Lily. I'll never stop being angry about it."

Lily accidentally drops her magazine. She was pretty they had had an unspoken agreement of sorts to never talk about the speech she had made to bring him back. "James." She says his name quietly.

He shakes his head, "Don't 'James' me. I love you and I've loved you since seventh year, but." He sighs, "I was too much of a coward to tell you and now I'm angry."

She rolls her eyes and smiles, "Well, I guess we're both cowards, then."

"I like that, you know. The both thing." He says, inches from her face.

She can't help but glance down at his lips in anticipation. "Yeah, me too. But you want to know what I like more?"

He's so close that she could probably count his eyelashes. He smells like mint and aftershave and a bit of pain medicine and she wants to kiss him _so bad_. But he doesn't kiss her; he just chuckles, eyes teasing. "What?" He breathes, answering her question.

She looks into his eyes, confused, "What?"

"You asked me a question and I was answering it love," He whispers, and she can't take it anymore.

She glares, "Fuck. James. Just shut up and kiss me." But she doesn't wait for him to close the gap. They're kissing and she swears she sees stars. He's sucking on her bottom lip and she, _Godric_, she's waited for this for so fucking long. The warmth from his lips spreads from her lips down to her toes and she loves him so much and she missed him so much and when he's tugging at her shirt she doesn't resist. His fingers press against her waist and then she yelps because _fuck_ he just squeezed one of her bruises and she swears she's bleeding internally and he immediately pulls himself off her, only to end up doubled over in pain when he twists one of his injured ribs the wrong way.

They sit there clutching at their injuries, gasping for air, before Lily starts laughing. Eventually James joins in, too.

He beams at her and it reminds her of the sun. "You okay?"

She nods, leans up carefully, and pecks him on the lips, "I missed you."

"I missed me, too."

She rolls her eyes and then looks at him seriously, "No more almost goodbyes ever again, okay. Promise?"

He nods and whispers, "I promise."

* * *

"Promise me this isn't goodbye."

"I promise."

She knows he's lying. She doesn't care.

"It's okay, James. It's alright."

He nods, leans forwards and kisses Harry over and over and over again before finally turning to her. He's looking at her with a teasing smirk that she used to hate and now loves so much and she can't help but kiss him, lightly. He brushes a hand across her cheek, wiping away a tear; she can feel his hand trembling. He's scared. She is, too. She nods, kisses him again (because she's selfish) and then he leaves her. She can hear him running down the stairs. She, belatedly, realizes that his wand is still upstairs, on the bedside table.

She hears a thump and shouting, "Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off—"

She hears the stairs creaking under the weight of footsteps and she doesn't know what to do. So she prays, for the first time in a long, _long_ time, for their Harry. He's gone and she doesn't think she'll ever really _feel_ anything again so she confronts Voldemort, confronts him wandless, and says, "Not Harry. Take me instead."

Voldemort laughs and it's as cold and terrible as she remembers and says, "Foolish mudblood. You've tried this once before. Do you really think it'll work a second time?"

She hates him so much. Lily holds her ground right then and refuses to budge. She won't let him kill anyone else. _She won't_.

The flash of green light swallows her up, up, up and she sees their Harry and sees him _alive_ and wonders where he'll go. He's alive but he's alone, she thinks. So she tries to reach out to Harry with her thoughts and thinks, "I promise this isn't goodbye."

Then she takes James's hand into the abyss.

* * *

**A/N: i might be a lil obsessed with kpop songs woops**

**anyways I am so sorry, I am going to go and delete myself from the internet now forgive me.**

**reviews are chocolate and cute people to cuddle with**

**xx**


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